How long has it been?

                Since I last saw you-my closest friend

I miss your face

                And the way your presence brought so much grace

I remember the characteristics of your perfect face, the strong gaze in your eyes when you would be deep in thought

                I remember the warmth of your love, the joy in your laugh, and the memories made that                        can't be bought.

What is it like where you are?

                Do you ever notice that you have gone so far?

Is Heaven as we hear? Do you have a job? I bet you run everywhere you go.

                I plan, when I get there, to race you, just so you know.

I won't compare to your speed, no I wouldn't even stand a chance!

                But I work on my endurance, because that's how you made your "Stance."

I'm still proud of you for that, by the way, and all that you did

                People still admire you for your faith,   both adult and kid.

Mom misses you and the time you two shared

                There are things you did and talks you had that cannot be compared.

Dad was strong- A lot stronger than you would have thought he would be

                But he misses you, the hunting, and the time spent on the hill in the shooting house, 

                under your tree.

Most never know what they have until it's gone.

                But the life with you we knew all along.

I hope all your family and friends that are in Heaven with you now

                Get to enjoy your humor, and laugh out loud with you just thinking, "Wow!"

Speaking of your company there,

                How old are my angels, do they know their momma, and how much I still care?

You were here and got to meet sweet Maggie, Hunter's oldest and Sterling Belle, who I named after you.

                But since you have been gone we have added just a few

First, came the twins who are different as night and day

                Mary Fisher and Addison-who looks a little like you by the way.

Then after hearing my prayers, God gave us Walker, a perfectly healthy beautiful baby boy.

                But before I was done giving him the glory, He decided to throw in a little more joy.

His name is Eli, he is almost 3, and is so funny.

                He came here with a scar identical to yours in the exact same spot on his tummy.

 These babies here with us brought more love than they knew

                For they came to bring back the joy and so much more, we had no clue.

But not for a chance, will your shoes ever be filled.

                Because that part of our heart belongs to you is forever sealed.               

It was the gift of these precious lives that we know God knows our heart

                From that moment you were gone the strings that held us together fell apart.

But piece by piece He picked us up and held us in his hand

                And he reaffirmed within us where our strength comes from to withstand.        

I can't explain to you what it's been like here

                But I want you to know you will always be thought of all throughout the year    

You still get told Happy Birthday each time it passes by

                But how many more will it be before your face meets the reflection in my eye.

I have work to do here so I don’t mean to try and speed up the time

                Surely to miss you that much though is a forgive-able crime.

I want you to know that even though sometimes we still slip up

                We will always turn back and thank God for his Son when we repent with the bread and 

                 the cup.

So count on seeing us all oneday, when we come barreling through the cloud

                I hope in that moment we all make you feel as proud.

All of us will stand reunited at last in the Kindgom promised with no more hurt, or sin, or doubt

                Hallelujah! All glory and praise to The is all we will be able to Shout!

So remind me to look to what comes with wonder and Praise

                Because that's what I want to choose for the rest of my days!

Sterling Bates Penn

STERLING BATES PENN

November 17, 1982- January 31, 2010

                Filled with great gratitude, I write to you on the behalf of Sterling's entire family.  Celebrating the 4th annual Run for Sterl, we look forward to this Race day with each one of you.  It is my deepest hope that in writing this, you come to know a little about Sterling, his life, and his passionate faith.

                Sterling came into this world with a large plan.  He went through kindergarten and first grade playing lead roles in the plays.  He went through elementary with great grades, and a great attitude.  He went through Junior High with new adventures, first loves, driver's license, and sports.  He went into high school standing tall at 6'4". He was handsome, smart, funny, and overall just well rounded.  Everyone who knew him was his friend.  No doubt when he started his junior year of high school, Sterling thought his plans for his life would be different.  Maybe he would carry on his family's legacy and become the 4th generation in the timber business, or maybe something different.  Regardless, I'm sure he expected to go to college, get married, have children, and live what we consider a normal life. But on August 29, 1999, time stood still, and God showed up (never once did He leave Sterling's side).  Sterling's life was forever changed in the twinkling of an eye.  It wasn't an overnight acceptance of his new life, a quadriplegic on a ventilator, but it was a road he fought daily to get down.  As time went on, God would deliver Sterling from the brink of death, from sadness, and obstacles that stood before him on so many occasions.  I imagine it became vividly clear to him the purpose he was called for.

                The more Sterling became aware of his purpose, the more his life and his joy began to unfold.  Being handicapped was never an easy ride, but that was the cross God called for Sterling to bear. This was Sterling's load to carry to make a difference and to bring glory to God.  In the end, Sterling fulfilled that purpose.  Sterling waited for God's perfect timing when he would be ultimately healed and rewarded for his endurance of the race set before him.

                Sterling's life could have stopped easily on that Sunday night in 1999, but we have all been blessed that it didn’t. For his family, we got more hugs, laughter, and memories.  For some, they got the chance to get to meet him.  For others who were called to walk the same road as him, they got encouragement and hope.  For those who he brought to Christ, they got Salvation.

                All who ever watched Sterling run at the Canton Academy track meets knew and felt his love for the sport.  At the end of the day, he was grinning ear to ear with all the ribbons and metals to show his job well done.  So on this race day, as you lace up your running shoes and get ready to step up to your starting line, let us not forget Sterling.  Let us in remembrance of him, honor God this day! Let us all take up our crosses whatever they may be and wear them with pride.  Let us serve our purpose too so that we might, like Sterling, earn our own crown of righteousness.  It is never too late to make a difference.  It has been over 4 years since I last saw my brother's face, but without a doubt, I know he will change at least one life participating in this event today.

                So here's to Sterling, my big brother, my best friend, and a faithful servant of Christ, and here's to you who are coming out and remembering his life with all of us.

Sterling's sister,

Mary Hollin Penn Brock

Please visit the race website http://www.runforsterl.com/ for information or to sign up for the event.  His personal testimony is also posted on the website and I encourage you all to read it. It may change your heart.

Letting Go....

In a Moment of Disarray

               So last night there I was in complete disarray with 3 very fussy children. I had just gotten off of work at five, picked them up, and gotten us all unloaded and into the house. One was crying for me to pick him up in complete agony over these teeth we have been waiting to come in for 9 months. One was crying because he wanted the toy his sister had, and honestly, I'm not sure even what it was (could have been his toy even). The oldest was screaming out that familiar line of "I had it first!" All the while I am in the kitchen trying to "Pinterest" together a meal for supper before my husband got home.  I was still working on supper when I heard Sterling Belle (our 5 year old) yell out, "Daddy's home!" In other words, operation 'get it ready before he got home' was a fail. The kids were all so excited to see their Daddy. They always seem to light up when they see his truck turning in the driveway. I can only think of what went through his mind when he came home to all of this. He was in the kitchen and it was a brief moment before he asked, "Did you read your devotional, Jesus Calling today?" Ha!..... I told him I hadn't read it, but instead read the Streams of the Desert. He quickly let me know that this was something he really thought I could use and that it would really apply to me. I filed that back in my head for later, while I tried continually to gain back control of the household, of supper, and of the disaster I noticed I had made on the counters while putting together the "King Ranch Chicken" recipe from Pinterest. I was determined to make a tasty new dish.  David picked up Eli (our 9 month old) and took him out on the front porch to sit, and maybe secretly to escape the ruckus inside the house.  Finally, exhausted at my earlier effort of prepping dinner all while feeding Eli his dinner, giving him a bottle, and trying to play referee to the older two-Dinner was in the oven!!!! I have to say secretly I feel like I should have done a victory dance at this point. What victory was that? I have destroyed the kitchen, dishes are  everywhere. Sterling Belle and Walker (our 2 year old) have reeked havoc on the house while I was focused on dinner, and Eli had been crawling around crying at my feet. 

           A few minutes later, David and Eli came back in and I had managed to clean off the counter tops. I always feel I have to keep a clean house to keep my calm. I admit... I like things in their places, I don't like dishes in my sink, I don't like toys scattered everywhere, and I don't like feeling like I have lost control over the house. (Hmmmm.... Who should be in control?...) It wasn't long before the buzzer was going off and I put the final touchings on dinner and it was out on the counter.  I followed the directions for letting it cool, and when it was time we all sat down to eat.     
       I should have known what was coming next...Sterling Belle took one look and said "I'm not eating this!" Ok, so quick fact on her, if it has color from any type of herb, seasoning, or vegetable then she is out. Yes, I knew this ahead of time, but that is why I stayed in the kitchen deliberately picking out every single hint of color from her plate. Evidently, it wasn't enough. So you know that since she wasn't gonna sit at the table and eat hers, Walker wasn't going to either.   We tried to persuade them both to get back in their chairs and eat their dinner. Sterling Belle took one bite and said "Yuck, I don't like that! I can't eat that!"  Ok, so operation 'Cook a Good Dinner', also a fail.  Although, David and I enjoyed it.  We finished eating, and even got them to eat a few bites here and there out of pure bribery. Then, it was off to bath time we went. They all 3 piled in the tub. There are a few ways to look at 3 kids all in the same standard size tub: a.) This cuts down on time; b.) It's quicker to do it all at once..... Ha Ha Ha! I rest my case. At some point, yes, I'll have to separate them, but for now this works. I have to give a big note of appreciation to David, for cleaning up the table and washing the dishes off that he had placed in the sink. I was highly disturbed that my Dishwasher was too full to fit them in, and that they had to sit in the sink until the cycle was complete.  Of course, I had run out of dish soap so hand washing wasn't an option either.  But by this point, we all made it and the rest was history and a breeze...
    So Back to the devotional, David asked if I had read (mistakenly he read August 26th instead of the 25th because God had to get me this message somehow). No doubt, my husband is a man of God. How many men want to ask their wife during a moment of disaster if they read a devotional that day? I mean thinking back-That is funny! That is just the kind of guy he is and I love him for it. This morning I got up and went to have my devotional before gearing up for another day and I got out my Jesus Calling devotional book.  My stepdaughter, Ivy (our 17 year old) gave me this book for Mother's Day and it's great! August 26th entry reads:

Trust Me in the midst of a messy day.  Your inner calm – your Peace in My Presence – need not be shaken by what is going on around you.  Though you live in this temporal world, your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity.  When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you.  Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace.

Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective.  (John 16:33)-Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid.  The Peace I give is sufficient for you. (Psalm 105:4)-Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! (John 14:27)-Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Really, like how appropriate was this.  Had my husband not read the wrong day, he wouldn't have discovered this message I needed. It was definitely a "God thing" trust me! This was God calling me out and saying, "Hey why do you seek Control over the situation, isn't it Him who is in ultimate control? Isn't he the mighty one? Isn't he our ultimate source of strength and endurance? Thank you God for convicting me in a moment of being caught up in myself, this world, and distracted by circumstance. Thank you Lord for reminding me to detach myself from stressful everyday task when I need seek your hand the most. Thank you for the reminder to "Let Go and Let God!" You never fail me even when I fail you as a sinner. You are my true redeemer, and I thank you for bringing your peace to this Momma who felt she needed it on a regular ole Monday! 

How appropriate I came across this prayer in my devotional book at just the right time, and had to share.  If we all just prayed this over ourselves in the morning think of the difference it would make.

Take My Hand

             

         A very wise friend told me "You have a story that in many ways you would rather not have, but God wants to use it for his glory!" We all have stories we may rather not have, but I just love that. I love that our stories through our journey with God can be uplifting for someone else. I love that they have purpose. We were never alone without God's help. If only we could stop, take a second, and realize there is always a hand reached out to help us, but we must choose to take hold of that. We must choose to let God help us.  It's little things like my 2 year old wanting to open a Capri-Sun on his own, or my 5 year old wanting to pick out her own (VERY) fashionable outfit that help me to view the bigger picture. The choice to ask for help is there. I am even offering to help, but they want to do it. They are so determined to do it on their own, are we?  How often do we try and get in the "Driver Seat" of life without help and take hold of "what we want" and "how we want to do it" and even "when we want it done?"  Lord, Stop us when we do that!  I pray for you to stop us and let us all realize we NEED your help!!! We need you for everything! Not just to mend a broken heart, fix a situation in which we can't escape on our own, or bring a loved one back home but literally for EVERYTHING.  My friend was right. I do have stories of heart ache, tragedy, joy, and God's great mercy, but what I have more important than that is the great reveal of God. He saved me and delivered me out of my weakness when I couldn't without him.  I never could be where I am or who I am on my own. This is all part of his plan...A much BIGGER picture that we can not yet see. We each were created by him and for him.
              Life does not revolve around our "Beck and Call." How often do we catch ourselves trying to work a situation to benefit ourselves, or even ask God for something for selfish reasons?  It's not about us.  It's about what we can give, or what we have in ourselves that we can offer up for his goodness.  I think we all have a fairytale dream of a perfect job, a perfect life, a perfect marriage, perfect children (in our minds), and how we think life should go. Our fairytale is waiting in Heaven where perfection can exist. We are all sinners. It's not because we don't love God. It's not because we don't strive to live life by his commandments. We are born sinners, and that's why Jesus paid the price. We will never be perfect in our flesh so why in the world would we expect anything to be perfect here on earth? They only time we are made perfect is in Him.  Colossians 1:28 "Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus." There are gonna be bumps in the road. There is going to be heartache. There is going to be loss and longing. There are going to be trials and tribulations. If we don't REACH out and take hold of HIS hand, then we won't view it as a stepping stone. My brother said in his testimony "DON’T WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING TRAGIC OR BAD HAPPENS IN YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU LEARN TO LOVE THE LORD AND PUT HIM FIRST. Of course he will be there for you whenever you need Him, but why wait? Things will be so much easier if he’s already in your life before one of those “UH-OH” moments hits. Stop and take time to know Him, because that is the most important thing anyone can ever do!" Trust his plan. Don't question it. Just think of all the moments in life where we do feel we are our happiest. Where are you at that moment? My guess is wherever we were & are in those moments, we can see they were all a moment of Blessing from God. They were something extraordinary that only He could ordain.  I read in a Beth Moore devotional where it says "God is not some powerful ruler sitting up on his throne filled with anger & wrath, and throwing us punishment for our wrong doings." After reading, I myself wonder how often have I viewed my trials as a punishment for my sins instead of God's way of stopping me in my tracks and turning me back to Him. Have I ever thought he needed this to happen to strengthen me in an area of weakness to prepare me for his works (for his plan)?
             We all know this "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle." 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." Why think he is punishing us? He just wants us to seek him. He wants our unconditional love. He wants us to call on him and to know we need him. Look up all the references on God's Mercy, he isn't giving us situations to deal with because we are sinful, but to make us rely on him.  Psalms 86:5 "For you, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy to all them that call on you." ...

Prayer:
 LORD- Help me to call on you.  Help me make it a point to find ways to serve you instead of always asking you to cater to me and my needs. I am a valuable piece of your plan, and you created me with purpose. Help me to make my life acceptable in your sight, not my own. I am reaching out for you Lord, and I am taking your hand! Psalms 37:23-24 "though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

My Experience With Beth Moore

Just recently, I had the opportunity to go to a Living Proof Live Event where I got to experience Beth Moore in Person.  After having done a few of her bible studies, I knew it was sure to be amazing. This Sunday, I am getting the opportunity to share with my Sunday School Class all about the event and what it meant for me. This is what I have put together to share with them and any of you who may read....

                                                                         

             My Time With Beth Moore

                A great quote I read earlier this week from a blog called, "Heart of the Matter" stated, "This longing, this ache, this pulsing of the deepest part of who you are is the reason why you're here. Do not confuse it with desire. Desire is wanting what you don’t have, Longing is wanting what you do."  This quote directly ties into what Beth Moore shared with us at the Biloxi Living Proof Live Event.  Through her sharing of stories, scripture, and worship, Christ really transpired a beautiful message to everyone in the facility.  There was LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNEES, GENTLENESS, and SELF CONTROL.  The Fruit of the Spirit embodied us all. Of course we went early to get a good seat. So waiting nearly 1 and 1/2 hour to begin I glanced around taking in all of the people that surrounded me. There were no two the same, but all of us alike were there with a longing for God, for worship, and a renewed spirit.  Doesn't this make us all the same in one sense? As the music started, we all stood to our feet. Me not knowing the words to sing, I just swayed to the rhythm and felt my own sense of longing for our God, as I began crying without even knowing it.  It took two full songs of crying before I realized I probably wasn't the only one that didn’t know the words. Everyone else had just notice the words were displayed on the 8 regular sized screens surrounding the stage as well as the 4 HUGE screens on each side of the stage.  After that, I think everyone's mouth in the Coliseum was singing praise and lifting their hands up as high as they could reach. It was certain we were all longing for our GOD. 

                Beth quickly followed in after the music ended with a big opening question for us…. "Which would you rather have fulfilled, a Longing or a Desire?" Then, she had each of us turned to our neighbor, tell them our answer, and explain why. Me sitting in the middle, I kept quiet while taking in my mother's answer and my sister-n-law's.  It was an easy out for me!  I challenge each of you to think about your answer for yourself as well.  A desire is defined as "the feeling of wanting something," "to crave," and even "to covet." A Longing is defined as "A strong persistent desire of a craving, especially for something unattainable or distant." Ok well, so a desire should be easy to satisfy, and a longing "too much work?" But if a desire is fulfilled, are we then satisfied or is it a mere second and we are on to the next want or wish?  This was exactly Beth's point. 

                When God made man, it tell us in Genesis that God created man in his own image, in the image of God, he created them; male and female he created them.  Then in Colossians 1:16 we are told "For in him all things were created. Things in Heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether on thrones, with powers, or rulers, or authorities; All things have been created through him and FOR HIM."  So, what do we long for?  What is our persistent craving that we are all striving towards:  To be with our Father, To be Made Perfect in him, To be with our family, friends, people of all nations where there is no suffering, and no sadness, but just that pure endless joy of Salvation.  So, we were created by God, in the image of God, For God! Our purpose here is to SERVE God. 

                Often times we will be wrapped up in our everyday lives, where it almost takes "hitting a brick wall" before having to stop and ask God to help us get through it. Beth helped me realize that's not the kind of God we have.  He is not a "one-call, that's-all" quick fix.  He is a father of mercy, of compassion, of forgiveness, and the most endless loves imaginable.  He wants me to seek him all day, if I'm happy, if I'm sad, if I'm bored , or if I'm busy. Put him in the moment with me and I'll come out of the other side going, "Wow, that was so much easier than it could have been." When we ask God to be our savior, and welcome him into our hearts, he is sealed in us by his holy spirit. He will not banish that from us or give it to us on a loan.  It is there we are marked as his, and we are always forgiven for our sins.  God bought us at a mighty price. He loves us so much he gave his son for us, so we know is "For us."  (Romans 8:31 If God is for us, who can be against us?)

                Beth asked the audience if anyone had ever had an experience where we knew with absolute certainty God was present.  I immediately thought of Walker and all the miscarriages I had been through before him.  I thought of that moment in the sonogram room when I fully trusted God, and he showed me his mercy. It made me think of all God had done for me.  She said as great as whatever experience we may have had, that was simply a taste of what is to come. That was simply a taste from "'A' tree of life" but not as great as the taste of "'The' tree of life" will be.  She said imagine what it will be like when we go home to be with our King and are standing in front of "'The' tree of Life!" Can you even imagine? Our best experiences on earth are but a mere taste of a small fraction of what it will be like. That still amazes me! 

                Our faith gives us hope in what is to come.  Therefore if we Love God and Have faith in him then we must have hope and not give up on one another or our circumstances.  This immediately hit home for me as well with my oldest brother.  As I could relate to wanting so desperately to give up on Hunter after all he has done, but I realized I must have hope for him because I have faith in our Lord.  Hunter can leave this town, and he can escape our family, but he will never escape the sovereign Love of God. 

                Beth Moore made another great point also when she asked, "Do we sometimes get so busy missing those who aren't here that we are missing those who are?" Oh, how true a statement.  Let's don’t ever forget those here with us because we are "longing" for those who are not.  Be Present with those we have. Be present, and be thankful!

                All of this and that's just scratching the surface of my weekend…. Beth Moore helps break it down for all of us that need for it to be "Spelled out" in "Black & White," Ha! She gave us 9 key points during our time there and luckily since I'm sharing my experience, I wrote them all down.

·         (1) All Our Longings Lie Open Before The Lord.  1 Chronicles 28:9 tells us that God searches every heart and understands every motive behind our thoughts.  So God understands where our Longings are coming from. Psalm 38:9 says "All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you."

·         (2) If It's Not Long, It's Not A Longing.  This I think we can all relate too. See the word "Long-ing"

·         (3) If It Never Aches, It's Not Intense Enough For A Longing.   In Matthew 23:37, We are told that Jesus grieved over Jerusalem, he, himself stated, "How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wing, but you were not willing!" Sometimes we long for something so bad that it becomes a physical ache,   "A Thirst of our Souls."

·         (4) A Longing Fulfilled Is "A Tree Of Life" (not "The" Tree but "A" Tree).  Proverbs 13:6 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is" A" tree of life. What God prepared us for, he also gave us a longing for. So in a sense, we have been "rigged" in our longings.  Beth Moore is big on breaking down a word and giving Greek translations.  Longing in Greek is OREGO, and means "to stretch out or to reach out for something especially with the hands."

·         (5) If God Prepared It, We Were Wired To Long For It. In John Chapter 14, Jesus tells us, "Do not let your hearts be troubled, I go to prepare a place for you", and that he is coming back for us, and that we know the way to the place. Ecclesiates 3:11 says he also "set eternity in the hearts of men." Everything longs, 1 Peter 1:12, tells us that even "angels long to look into salvation." Matthew 23, Jesus "longs" for us. Isaiah 31, the Lord longs to be gracious to us. All of our longings will be met in Christ.  Beth Moore puts it this way-"Thirst is to the Body, What Longing is to the Soul!"

·         (6) We Were Created To Long For Companionship.  Every longing was created to be reciprocated. When you truly love someone you have a built in longing for them. 2 Timothy 1:4- Paul wrote, "Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy."

·         (7) Lust Is The Souls Demand To Shortcut A Longing Fulfilled. Lust and greed become a                 grave for us, as explained in John, Chapter 4 when Jesus asked the Samaritan women for a drink of water at the well.  He tells her whoever drinks the water at the well be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water he gives them will never thirst again. He says "the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life."  Lust is sinful and will only lead to a new thirst.  It most certainly won't quench our souls longing.  A short cut will just leave you coming up short.

·         (8) We Long For Grace. Isaiah 30:18 tells us "the Lord longs to be gracious to us.  He rises to show us compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice, Blessed are those who wait for Him!" (The Bible even puts an exclamation point here!!!) If we wait for him to fulfill our Longing for Him, we will be just that, blessed.

·         (9) We Long For God!  At the end of the day everything we long for is identified in Him.

                How amazing as she closed her event she did so with the very scripture my brother, Sterling used to live out the last 10 & 1/2 years of his life to serve the Lord. She had us turn to 2 Timothy 4:8. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day-and not only to me but also to all who have 'LONGED' for his appearing." But wait, that's not all.  That wasn't the end for Sterling or for Paul who wrote this passage in his last days, because then she had us turn to Revelation 22 1&2, "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city.  On each side of the river stood "THE Tree of Life" bearing 12 crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations."  See that image in your mind. See that image when you think you can't.  See our Lord awarding you, your crown of righteousness. See yourself surrounded by all those who have "Longed" for your salvation waiting for you right under "'THE' TREE OF LIFE." Imagine how good it will be at that point when you, fully restored in your perfect body are with your King and Savior. Won't you too look back and say, "It was all worth Eternity with You," because we know Christ will! Amen!

I will thank the Lord all the days of my Life.....

What better time to start a blog than On the Eve of my near two year old's birthday!  After all it is our journey with God that has gotten us here. In February of 2013, We Christened Walker and this was My Testimony I shared to our Congregation:

Encouraged to share my story, I sat down and began writing.  I'll never forget the first moment I experienced a mother losing an unborn child.  Though it may have been early on, it doesn't lessen the pain. The pain feels as if it tears through the very core of your heart.  It was Christmas night of 2009, and I was sitting at my mother in law's table when I got the call from my mother.  My brother, Hunter and his wife, Kristen had lost their baby.  I can't remember the number of weeks she carried, but to me it's irrelevant.  I sobbed as my heart hurt for her and the pain she must have felt. I remember specifically saying to my mother in law, "I can't begin to imagine what she is feeling." The very next month on January 31, 2010, my brother Sterling passed away, another nearly unbearable pain.  I'm not sure of the timing, but very shortly after, there were 3 new babies conceived in our family.  It was surely a gift from God.  We all know the verse, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." It was almost as if He was fulfilling that promise of new life, where there was such great loss.  Well, I prayed over Kristen for twins, mainly since she had lost her baby a few months before. I thought I was being cute, but I received a text from her saying, "You got your wish."It was, sadly, a very short pregnancy for me, a devastating loss, and I knew for myself what it felt like for a mother to miscarry.  It was the beginning of a long road for David and me, and our family.  Over the next two years, we endured the loss of 5 children through miscarriage.  It was so hard for me to understand why I was losing these babies, after carrying my first child, Sterling Belle, to term with ease and having the greatest child birth experience imaginable.  The love and amazing grace that washes over a mother as she gets that first glance and hears that first cry of her child at birth is pure joy.   For me, it was like the closest earthly experience you can compare to the joy you will surely feel with your first glimpse of heaven.  As I experienced each loss, I felt as if part of my soul was dying.I remember a time on the way to one of my doctor visits, and I knew the miscarriage process had begun.  I quickly flipped my radio to a Christian station and began praying, begging God for my instinct to be wrong, but I had been right. I lost another child.  I don’t know that any one miscarriage was ever harder than another, but this one nearly destroyed me.  I had made it through what the doctor called "the danger zone." This time, unlike the other, my precious child had a heartbeat and a great one at that!  Morning sickness, midday sickness, afternoon sickness, and night sickness, I had it all.  I called the doctor quite frequently to complain and beg for help to cope with the nausea.  He assured me this was a great sign as it meant the pregnancy was thriving.I went back around 11 weeks, which happened to fall on my father's birthday.  I was known at the doctor's office for being a little dramatic and a little demanding, so they weren’t surprised when I said, “If I'm going to survive until my next visit, I'm going to have to get a sonogram today!” I told the doctor I needed to see my baby and "get a little ray of sunshine."  Down to the sonogram room I went, and there my child was on the screen. I starred at that baby. I saw the arms, legs, tiny hands, and tiny feet.  All I thought was "Beautiful!"  Then, I saw the stillness.  At some point, they predicted five days before my visit the heart had stopped beating.  Again, I lost a child.  At that point I had had enough.  I requested my tubes be tied.  Lucky for me, my doctor knew me all too well, and he knew I wasn't ready to give up.I was referred to a specialist, where I had every test in the book run, but there were no explanations.  Encouraging me to try again, the doctor suggested using hormones to help sustain the pregnancy through the 1st trimester, and so I did.  Again, in July of 2011, I lost, yet, another child.  At that point, I said that’s it! I told the doctor I needed time off, and I would contact him if I ever felt ready. From July until October 1, 2011, I focused my mind and heart on running, to prepare for the first “Run For  Sterl”, a half marathon for the cure of spinal cord injury in memory of my brother.  This kept me busy and helped me to bury the urge in my mind to try again! The intensive training made getting pregnant not an option, but after the race had come and gone, the first place trophy wasn’t enough to silence my heart. David and I decided if it were to happen, we had to keep it to ourselves, because, at this point, I'm sure everyone wondered, "When will she give up?" I started praying for this to work.  Anything I heard would help, I tried it.  I got acupuncture once a week, and gave myself a shot daily for the first trimester.  I had my heart, mind, and body all in it.  I went to the doctor weekly to monitor my progress from the beginning, and everything looked good; so, at this point, we told our families.  David and I went to the appointment where they predicted that we would hear a heartbeat, but there wasn't one.   They told us to come back and try again next week.  We walked out, and there, sitting in the hallway, was my mother (I had told her that I had wanted to go alone, but she wanted to be there, “ just in case.”)  Ha! I told her what happened, and I knew she was thinking, “Here we go again,” but I still had faith.  My next appointment was within a week of Christmas.  I told David I wanted to go by myself, and I told my mother not to show up. This was something I had to do alone!  By chance, when I got there, they were delayed due to a procedure for another patient.  So, as I lay on the examination table, waiting to see what fate held for my child and me, I cried out to God to spare this child.  Strangely enough, I prayed for my son, not even knowing it was boy at that point.  God knew having another child was my heart's greatest desire.  I promised him right then, if he did this for me, I would share my story, and give God all the glory. So much time had gone by, I had to text everyone just to let them know I hadn't even seen the doctor yet.  One doctor came in and started the procedure for the sonogram. She was silent, and so was the audio that should play the heartbeat.  I closed my eyes again and told God, “ I know it's there. I believe in you.”  Then the doctor said, “I see a very small twitch, but it's so tiny I'm having a hard time picking it up to hear.”  She finally got it, and it was only a little over 100 beats per minute, but it was joy to my ears.  I broke out in tears.I videoed it and sent the tiny flutter to everyone, so when I called crying they wouldn’t be alarmed.  I was very nervous, but I knew we would make it. God let me know this one was going to work, as long as I had faith.  I welcomed my son on July 3, 2012 almost a year, exactly, after my last loss.  Wow!  God is always there, and He always comes through with his promises, in His time!  It's up to us to have the faith and to lean on him when enduring our trials in life.  I gave up hope a lot.  I lost faith a lot.  But with Walker, I knew he was the one.  God helped me hold on to my faith, and he showed me that if I call on God, in God's name, God will see it through.After Walker was born, my brother Sterling came to me in a dream and took me to a beautiful place filled with people that were waiting to go to heaven.  When I walked through the doors, there were two boys standing to greet me.  He told them, "This is your Mother." I got big hugs from both, and if I think long enough, it's almost as if I can still feel them.  There was a third child that ran past, very mischievous and full of life.  Sterling looked at me and said "That's another one, but I told him, ‘He’s mine.’"  He smiled at me, and my dream was over. We all have different types of struggles in this life, but, from my story, I hope you see there’s only one way to get you through them.  There is only one way to attain our promise.  This Sunday, we will baptize Walker.  We will promise to raise him in the church and teach him all the things that being a Christian means. We will stand as a family, within our church family, and praise God for this special life that He chose for us.   All glory be to God!!!!