Encouraged to share my story, I sat down and began writing. I'll never forget the first moment I experienced a mother losing an unborn child. Though it may have been early on, it doesn't lessen the pain. The pain feels as if it tears through the very core of your heart. It was Christmas night of 2009, and I was sitting at my mother in law's table when I got the call from my mother. My brother, Hunter and his wife, Kristen had lost their baby. I can't remember the number of weeks she carried, but to me it's irrelevant. I sobbed as my heart hurt for her and the pain she must have felt. I remember specifically saying to my mother in law, "I can't begin to imagine what she is feeling." The very next month on January 31, 2010, my brother Sterling passed away, another nearly unbearable pain. I'm not sure of the timing, but very shortly after, there were 3 new babies conceived in our family. It was surely a gift from God. We all know the verse, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." It was almost as if He was fulfilling that promise of new life, where there was such great loss. Well, I prayed over Kristen for twins, mainly since she had lost her baby a few months before. I thought I was being cute, but I received a text from her saying, "You got your wish."It was, sadly, a very short pregnancy for me, a devastating loss, and I knew for myself what it felt like for a mother to miscarry. It was the beginning of a long road for David and me, and our family. Over the next two years, we endured the loss of 5 children through miscarriage. It was so hard for me to understand why I was losing these babies, after carrying my first child, Sterling Belle, to term with ease and having the greatest child birth experience imaginable. The love and amazing grace that washes over a mother as she gets that first glance and hears that first cry of her child at birth is pure joy. For me, it was like the closest earthly experience you can compare to the joy you will surely feel with your first glimpse of heaven. As I experienced each loss, I felt as if part of my soul was dying.I remember a time on the way to one of my doctor visits, and I knew the miscarriage process had begun. I quickly flipped my radio to a Christian station and began praying, begging God for my instinct to be wrong, but I had been right. I lost another child. I don’t know that any one miscarriage was ever harder than another, but this one nearly destroyed me. I had made it through what the doctor called "the danger zone." This time, unlike the other, my precious child had a heartbeat and a great one at that! Morning sickness, midday sickness, afternoon sickness, and night sickness, I had it all. I called the doctor quite frequently to complain and beg for help to cope with the nausea. He assured me this was a great sign as it meant the pregnancy was thriving.I went back around 11 weeks, which happened to fall on my father's birthday. I was known at the doctor's office for being a little dramatic and a little demanding, so they weren’t surprised when I said, “If I'm going to survive until my next visit, I'm going to have to get a sonogram today!” I told the doctor I needed to see my baby and "get a little ray of sunshine." Down to the sonogram room I went, and there my child was on the screen. I starred at that baby. I saw the arms, legs, tiny hands, and tiny feet. All I thought was "Beautiful!" Then, I saw the stillness. At some point, they predicted five days before my visit the heart had stopped beating. Again, I lost a child. At that point I had had enough. I requested my tubes be tied. Lucky for me, my doctor knew me all too well, and he knew I wasn't ready to give up.I was referred to a specialist, where I had every test in the book run, but there were no explanations. Encouraging me to try again, the doctor suggested using hormones to help sustain the pregnancy through the 1st trimester, and so I did. Again, in July of 2011, I lost, yet, another child. At that point, I said that’s it! I told the doctor I needed time off, and I would contact him if I ever felt ready. From July until October 1, 2011, I focused my mind and heart on running, to prepare for the first “Run For Sterl”, a half marathon for the cure of spinal cord injury in memory of my brother. This kept me busy and helped me to bury the urge in my mind to try again! The intensive training made getting pregnant not an option, but after the race had come and gone, the first place trophy wasn’t enough to silence my heart. David and I decided if it were to happen, we had to keep it to ourselves, because, at this point, I'm sure everyone wondered, "When will she give up?" I started praying for this to work. Anything I heard would help, I tried it. I got acupuncture once a week, and gave myself a shot daily for the first trimester. I had my heart, mind, and body all in it. I went to the doctor weekly to monitor my progress from the beginning, and everything looked good; so, at this point, we told our families. David and I went to the appointment where they predicted that we would hear a heartbeat, but there wasn't one. They told us to come back and try again next week. We walked out, and there, sitting in the hallway, was my mother (I had told her that I had wanted to go alone, but she wanted to be there, “ just in case.”) Ha! I told her what happened, and I knew she was thinking, “Here we go again,” but I still had faith. My next appointment was within a week of Christmas. I told David I wanted to go by myself, and I told my mother not to show up. This was something I had to do alone! By chance, when I got there, they were delayed due to a procedure for another patient. So, as I lay on the examination table, waiting to see what fate held for my child and me, I cried out to God to spare this child. Strangely enough, I prayed for my son, not even knowing it was boy at that point. God knew having another child was my heart's greatest desire. I promised him right then, if he did this for me, I would share my story, and give God all the glory. So much time had gone by, I had to text everyone just to let them know I hadn't even seen the doctor yet. One doctor came in and started the procedure for the sonogram. She was silent, and so was the audio that should play the heartbeat. I closed my eyes again and told God, “ I know it's there. I believe in you.” Then the doctor said, “I see a very small twitch, but it's so tiny I'm having a hard time picking it up to hear.” She finally got it, and it was only a little over 100 beats per minute, but it was joy to my ears. I broke out in tears.I videoed it and sent the tiny flutter to everyone, so when I called crying they wouldn’t be alarmed. I was very nervous, but I knew we would make it. God let me know this one was going to work, as long as I had faith. I welcomed my son on July 3, 2012 almost a year, exactly, after my last loss. Wow! God is always there, and He always comes through with his promises, in His time! It's up to us to have the faith and to lean on him when enduring our trials in life. I gave up hope a lot. I lost faith a lot. But with Walker, I knew he was the one. God helped me hold on to my faith, and he showed me that if I call on God, in God's name, God will see it through.After Walker was born, my brother Sterling came to me in a dream and took me to a beautiful place filled with people that were waiting to go to heaven. When I walked through the doors, there were two boys standing to greet me. He told them, "This is your Mother." I got big hugs from both, and if I think long enough, it's almost as if I can still feel them. There was a third child that ran past, very mischievous and full of life. Sterling looked at me and said "That's another one, but I told him, ‘He’s mine.’" He smiled at me, and my dream was over. We all have different types of struggles in this life, but, from my story, I hope you see there’s only one way to get you through them. There is only one way to attain our promise. This Sunday, we will baptize Walker. We will promise to raise him in the church and teach him all the things that being a Christian means. We will stand as a family, within our church family, and praise God for this special life that He chose for us. All glory be to God!!!!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
I will thank the Lord all the days of my Life.....
Encouraged to share my story, I sat down and began writing. I'll never forget the first moment I experienced a mother losing an unborn child. Though it may have been early on, it doesn't lessen the pain. The pain feels as if it tears through the very core of your heart. It was Christmas night of 2009, and I was sitting at my mother in law's table when I got the call from my mother. My brother, Hunter and his wife, Kristen had lost their baby. I can't remember the number of weeks she carried, but to me it's irrelevant. I sobbed as my heart hurt for her and the pain she must have felt. I remember specifically saying to my mother in law, "I can't begin to imagine what she is feeling." The very next month on January 31, 2010, my brother Sterling passed away, another nearly unbearable pain. I'm not sure of the timing, but very shortly after, there were 3 new babies conceived in our family. It was surely a gift from God. We all know the verse, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." It was almost as if He was fulfilling that promise of new life, where there was such great loss. Well, I prayed over Kristen for twins, mainly since she had lost her baby a few months before. I thought I was being cute, but I received a text from her saying, "You got your wish."It was, sadly, a very short pregnancy for me, a devastating loss, and I knew for myself what it felt like for a mother to miscarry. It was the beginning of a long road for David and me, and our family. Over the next two years, we endured the loss of 5 children through miscarriage. It was so hard for me to understand why I was losing these babies, after carrying my first child, Sterling Belle, to term with ease and having the greatest child birth experience imaginable. The love and amazing grace that washes over a mother as she gets that first glance and hears that first cry of her child at birth is pure joy. For me, it was like the closest earthly experience you can compare to the joy you will surely feel with your first glimpse of heaven. As I experienced each loss, I felt as if part of my soul was dying.I remember a time on the way to one of my doctor visits, and I knew the miscarriage process had begun. I quickly flipped my radio to a Christian station and began praying, begging God for my instinct to be wrong, but I had been right. I lost another child. I don’t know that any one miscarriage was ever harder than another, but this one nearly destroyed me. I had made it through what the doctor called "the danger zone." This time, unlike the other, my precious child had a heartbeat and a great one at that! Morning sickness, midday sickness, afternoon sickness, and night sickness, I had it all. I called the doctor quite frequently to complain and beg for help to cope with the nausea. He assured me this was a great sign as it meant the pregnancy was thriving.I went back around 11 weeks, which happened to fall on my father's birthday. I was known at the doctor's office for being a little dramatic and a little demanding, so they weren’t surprised when I said, “If I'm going to survive until my next visit, I'm going to have to get a sonogram today!” I told the doctor I needed to see my baby and "get a little ray of sunshine." Down to the sonogram room I went, and there my child was on the screen. I starred at that baby. I saw the arms, legs, tiny hands, and tiny feet. All I thought was "Beautiful!" Then, I saw the stillness. At some point, they predicted five days before my visit the heart had stopped beating. Again, I lost a child. At that point I had had enough. I requested my tubes be tied. Lucky for me, my doctor knew me all too well, and he knew I wasn't ready to give up.I was referred to a specialist, where I had every test in the book run, but there were no explanations. Encouraging me to try again, the doctor suggested using hormones to help sustain the pregnancy through the 1st trimester, and so I did. Again, in July of 2011, I lost, yet, another child. At that point, I said that’s it! I told the doctor I needed time off, and I would contact him if I ever felt ready. From July until October 1, 2011, I focused my mind and heart on running, to prepare for the first “Run For Sterl”, a half marathon for the cure of spinal cord injury in memory of my brother. This kept me busy and helped me to bury the urge in my mind to try again! The intensive training made getting pregnant not an option, but after the race had come and gone, the first place trophy wasn’t enough to silence my heart. David and I decided if it were to happen, we had to keep it to ourselves, because, at this point, I'm sure everyone wondered, "When will she give up?" I started praying for this to work. Anything I heard would help, I tried it. I got acupuncture once a week, and gave myself a shot daily for the first trimester. I had my heart, mind, and body all in it. I went to the doctor weekly to monitor my progress from the beginning, and everything looked good; so, at this point, we told our families. David and I went to the appointment where they predicted that we would hear a heartbeat, but there wasn't one. They told us to come back and try again next week. We walked out, and there, sitting in the hallway, was my mother (I had told her that I had wanted to go alone, but she wanted to be there, “ just in case.”) Ha! I told her what happened, and I knew she was thinking, “Here we go again,” but I still had faith. My next appointment was within a week of Christmas. I told David I wanted to go by myself, and I told my mother not to show up. This was something I had to do alone! By chance, when I got there, they were delayed due to a procedure for another patient. So, as I lay on the examination table, waiting to see what fate held for my child and me, I cried out to God to spare this child. Strangely enough, I prayed for my son, not even knowing it was boy at that point. God knew having another child was my heart's greatest desire. I promised him right then, if he did this for me, I would share my story, and give God all the glory. So much time had gone by, I had to text everyone just to let them know I hadn't even seen the doctor yet. One doctor came in and started the procedure for the sonogram. She was silent, and so was the audio that should play the heartbeat. I closed my eyes again and told God, “ I know it's there. I believe in you.” Then the doctor said, “I see a very small twitch, but it's so tiny I'm having a hard time picking it up to hear.” She finally got it, and it was only a little over 100 beats per minute, but it was joy to my ears. I broke out in tears.I videoed it and sent the tiny flutter to everyone, so when I called crying they wouldn’t be alarmed. I was very nervous, but I knew we would make it. God let me know this one was going to work, as long as I had faith. I welcomed my son on July 3, 2012 almost a year, exactly, after my last loss. Wow! God is always there, and He always comes through with his promises, in His time! It's up to us to have the faith and to lean on him when enduring our trials in life. I gave up hope a lot. I lost faith a lot. But with Walker, I knew he was the one. God helped me hold on to my faith, and he showed me that if I call on God, in God's name, God will see it through.After Walker was born, my brother Sterling came to me in a dream and took me to a beautiful place filled with people that were waiting to go to heaven. When I walked through the doors, there were two boys standing to greet me. He told them, "This is your Mother." I got big hugs from both, and if I think long enough, it's almost as if I can still feel them. There was a third child that ran past, very mischievous and full of life. Sterling looked at me and said "That's another one, but I told him, ‘He’s mine.’" He smiled at me, and my dream was over. We all have different types of struggles in this life, but, from my story, I hope you see there’s only one way to get you through them. There is only one way to attain our promise. This Sunday, we will baptize Walker. We will promise to raise him in the church and teach him all the things that being a Christian means. We will stand as a family, within our church family, and praise God for this special life that He chose for us. All glory be to God!!!!
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The funny thing is about 2 months after sharing my testimony, I went to the Dr only to find out I was 2 months pregnant! The only medication I had been on was my birth control which apparently didn't work! It's almost like God was saying,"If y'a'll think that's something wait until you see what else I can do!" Eli was born in Mid-November and Walker became a Big Brother. #GodWasShowingOut
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